I am sad, but not by the things everyone assumes I would be.
No one on the outside of my life understands that I do not miss the man. I am actually hopeful for my mom that this will free her to become a happier, more fulfilled person, but I expect her to fail me in those hopes. Lessons unlearned.
John was a horrible person to me. I never saw an effective, empathetic or genuine person in him, I saw the con man, the bullshit artist, the salesman. But so many other people would rather blind themselves to his snake oil than admit that they tolerated a predator in their midst, and so I am hearing him eulogised as a great man and a hard loss, and I have to swallow the gross lump of emotional vomit that threatens to spill forth. There just feel like so few people I can be honest about these feelings, and unfortunately that very fragile footing Sandy and I found after my trip to Europe this spring is at risk, because I will have to wear a mask in front of her, and both a mask and armour in front of mom. Yay. I think Sandy will understand, but I worry that she will be hurt by the lack of trust.
I am angry about that as well, but I do not have anyone to direct that anger at.
It has also been a process of discovery that my intuition and instincts for reading the auguries is as strong as it is. I am not jumping head on into the pool of woo, but it has been reinforced to me that I am not an ungifted Seer.
I am cleaning my space downstairs to get ready for Sandy's visit, and I am looking forward to the luxury of some small space of time with her, although she will be very wrapped up in the grief, as she actually liked and cared for John.
No one on the outside of my life understands that I do not miss the man. I am actually hopeful for my mom that this will free her to become a happier, more fulfilled person, but I expect her to fail me in those hopes. Lessons unlearned.
John was a horrible person to me. I never saw an effective, empathetic or genuine person in him, I saw the con man, the bullshit artist, the salesman. But so many other people would rather blind themselves to his snake oil than admit that they tolerated a predator in their midst, and so I am hearing him eulogised as a great man and a hard loss, and I have to swallow the gross lump of emotional vomit that threatens to spill forth. There just feel like so few people I can be honest about these feelings, and unfortunately that very fragile footing Sandy and I found after my trip to Europe this spring is at risk, because I will have to wear a mask in front of her, and both a mask and armour in front of mom. Yay. I think Sandy will understand, but I worry that she will be hurt by the lack of trust.
I am angry about that as well, but I do not have anyone to direct that anger at.
It has also been a process of discovery that my intuition and instincts for reading the auguries is as strong as it is. I am not jumping head on into the pool of woo, but it has been reinforced to me that I am not an ungifted Seer.
I am cleaning my space downstairs to get ready for Sandy's visit, and I am looking forward to the luxury of some small space of time with her, although she will be very wrapped up in the grief, as she actually liked and cared for John.
First read of this was difficult. I felt sad for the pain that seems to have permeated your being - and the reasons for such. Some of what you express I have encountered briefly before (from family) and set on the shelf. Your writing is powerful and personal and divulges the anger that has built.
ReplyDeleteIt is however a joy to have you successfully express where you are at, and as such, your truth is felt as a relief on your behalf - it is recognized as a necessary letting go of the anger within. I appreciate the release this, directed to wherever it might land. Your feelings are real, with merit and genuine. I thank you for your courage to log this here.
I send you Love. xo ~ Steve (Landsberg)
Wow, Uncle Steve! Holy shit, someone read my blog. :) Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply. I am grateful for the understanding and the effort that it belies. Love all the wya back to you! I do hope you are well!
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