Wheels Within

I am sad, but not by the things everyone assumes I would be. No one on the outside of my life understands that I do not miss the man. I am actually hopeful for my mom that this will free her to become a happier, more fulfilled person, but I expect her to fail me in those hopes. Lessons unlearned. John was a horrible person to me. I never saw an effective, empathetic or genuine person in him, I saw the con man, the bullshit artist, the salesman. But so many other people would rather blind themselves to his snake oil than admit that they tolerated a predator in their midst, and so I am hearing him eulogised as a great man and a hard loss, and I have to swallow the gross lump of emotional vomit that threatens to spill forth. There just feel like so few people I can be honest about these feelings, and unfortunately that very fragile footing Sandy and I found after my trip to Europe this spring is at risk, because I will have to wear a mask in front of her, and both a mask and armour in...

I feel Her gaze across the veils She watches She waits Knowing I will tread these paths Knowing I must And when I can swallow my fear A bite of a bitter apple She will be there To Guide my feet on that narrow path Her cloven hooves silent in the loam Her form dappled in leaf shadows Her breath a warm breeze Always Her soft eyes wide and wise Full of sorrow And stars. Art by Christine Homfeld. Used with permission.

Health : I have gotten my teeth dealt with. Liquid diet for most of the week, but only a few twinges since Saturday. It was not easy, but the benefits cover many more areas than just my mouth. Next: meds/pain control/surgery. 3/5 Communication:  I have done well these past weeks about communicating with my boss and family and roomies. Not perfect, but definitely better than before.  4/5   Balance: I am managing, for the most part, to keep the right things in perspective. I feel like I perhaps do too much work and not enough enjoyment of what I work for, so I am trying to adjust that moving forward. 3/5 Resources:  Broke for the first time in what feels like a long time, and while I have the energy and most of the time to do what I need to, the funds shortfall can be harder to deal with. People owe me for lessons taught and I have to be firmer about being paid upfront. I am worth being paid for what I allow and enable in others.   2/5 ...

 Jan 22-28, 2018 Health : I have been getting almost enough sleep, and have managed my various challenges well. My teeth are healing well, and I have to eat slower to chew things more carefully and I feel that will soon have an effect on weight, because I am doing what you are supposed to do and taking my time to eat. I also cannot eat hard crunchy or sticky chewy foods kind of at all any more, and that's good because pretty much none of them add any nutritive value to my diet. I have not gotten as much movement and exercise as I would like, so this is an area I will concentrate on in the near future, to build up my stamina and feel like I am making forward progress on my fitness and health. 3/5 Communication:  I feel like I dropped a couple of balls this week, but that I followed up on others, that were not easy ones to catch. I did communicate to my boss that I would not be able to work one of the days, and that was good, but I also failed to confirm pick up times u...

 Jan 8-14, 2018 Health : Dealt with teeth and was physically active, except for Sunday: definitely feel like I did better than some weeks, and while I did not choose the best dietary options, I did make a pretty solid effort. 4/5 Communication: I did more than the minimum, and feel like I left no one in the lurch over the course of the week. It is not on me if my boss cannot read a calendar or hear me when I tell him I will not be in, especially when I know for certain I told him, more than once. I did my part. If written comms are what I need for him, I will start to confirm every conversation in text, just so we both have a written version to refer to. 5/5 Balance: I feel like I stayed fairly focused and balanced this week. I did have a moment of deep imbalance on Saturday night, and I am acknowledging my role in that spasm of misery. I am aware of that pit within, and that I should not make any major decisions when under it’s bleak influence. 4/5 Resources:...

I am trying to establish a few good habits.  Out of bed by 9 am. Morning coffee and playtime Morning blogging (usually game blog, but sometimes here, too. Put up the day's backlogged post if one is ready. Check in on Habitica and SuperBetter (slowly updating and customising those behavioural tracking apps: need to get them on my phone...). Comm who I need to about what I need to. Do chores or get ready for work When I get home, before I take my boots off, walk the muppets. Come home, make food, eat. Relax. Check in before bed to hard copy checklist and to the sites. Blog a bit more. Take meds, read before sleep.  In bed by midnight.  Some of these habits are easier to form, so as long as I get out of the damned bed, they happen. I need to get better at hygiene issues: it's not quite enough to brush my hair, pony tail it and make sure my clothes are vaguely presentable. I always feel better when I am cleaner, so ba...

My day started extra early, as I had gone to bed at 9:30 but didn't actually fall off the cliff till maybe midnight: I vaguely recall hearing Dixon come home; I was awake at 6 and change this morning. I was not groggy, so I made myself a cuppajoe and then went back to bed to read and ponder and rest up. Was actually out of bed at 8, fed the muppets and myself, did a bit of morning scribbling and set up a couple of things in my game so I could keep that happening all day. Had a bus snafu that caused me to head in to work a good two hours later than planned but I put the time to good use with a more through than usual clean of the kitchen, including sweeping the floors in kitchen, living room and foyer. I left the house to meet my boss in Langley for 1. Shovelled poop for a few hours, then taught a lesson, with an often-rewarding student, then headed for the bus at 5:45. I had to hit a store to pick up some soft foods (for Sammie and for me), so I got home about 7:30 took the dog...